Lately I find myself at something of a crossroads. I'll come back to this crossroads later, but I'll begin by saying without question that the year so far has been the most difficult year of my life. Given what I've seen and done in my near 27 years, that's a scary and sobering thought.
For a great deal of time I came to believe that I had rid myself of the demons I'd come to know all too well, but the events of the past few months have taught me that they never truly go away. They hide, they retreat and if you're lucky you're granted a brief respite from the darkness these demons can bring. I guess you just have to hope that you can find the light again and reach it before the darkness becomes too much to bear.
As some of you know, I recently experienced what I feel to be the most traumatic and vulnerable event of my life thus far. Robbed of any control (and a few materialistic things that mean far less in the grand scheme) I found myself in a place I rarely allow myself to be. I found myself scared, numb and broken.
In many ways I'm still combating that fear, and the fears that permeate through the upswing of happiness that preceded them. I had allowed myself to believe that I was finally happy again. To have that so violently and suddenly stripped away is the most difficult thing I've ever had to reconcile.
Why then do I maintain some degree of optimism in the face of such a painful year? Because as I'm reminded by my friends, I've gone through so much by now that the only thing I can hold onto is the memory that with time, everything improves.
I don't write too much anymore. It bothers me that I've allowed something I was so passionate about at one point to be relegated to an old hobby. Because in all honesty, that's never what this was for me. It was catharsis. It was truth, and it was an acknowledgement on my part that shitty things and shitty people will always be a part of life.
Whilst it's often difficult to remember, the opposite is also true. I find myself for the most part surrounded by the dearest friends I could hope for, and a family that I would do anything to protect because that's my job. They are my whole life, and not all of my "family" are blood.
I've never, ever let my family see me cry. When my old man died, I held it in. When past loves were lost, I held it in.
What happened in Germany threw me in a way I cannot begin to express. I'm just lucky I had people around me who were willing to sit through and support my pain without question or judgement.
So I guess my optimism lies in those I love. The knowledge that I have people I would die for, and people that would die for me.
There's no debating what a rough place I'm in at the moment. I'm battling depression, anxiety, trauma, the remnants of a relationship that to this day confuses me, and the fear that things will never get better for me or those I hold so dearly.
But they will. They have to. They always do.
I apologise for what a heavy piece this has been, but in truth there is a huge amount I keep bottled up that I need to talk about. Maybe this is the place to do it; maybe it isn't. Honestly, I don't care.
To anybody suffering with anything, please get help. See family. See friends. See a doctor. See new horizons. Be adventurous, but with care. Be open to new things and new people, because it's amazing the effect these people can have.
My name is Ethan, and my head is a fucking mess. It's important that I acknowledge it because these things only ever seem to be whispered about. Depression and pain are tricky bastards to tackle, but they're also necessary evils. I've never met a single person who's gone through heartbreak, loneliness and depression and come out of it a less empathetic person.
These things make you stronger. They make you a better person. Hold on to that, and live for it. Because I honestly believe that you will be better for it in the long run. I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened to me. I wouldn't change things with my old man, my family, my friends or even past relationships that may not have been the wisest positions to be in. Because I'm who I am now because of them, and all the self-loathing, insecurity and doubt aside, I know I do my best.
I know they did too.
So back to the crossroads. Where do I go from here? I honestly don't know. I figure I stay on the path I'm on and hope that it leads me somewhere good. If not, I'll retreat and try another direction. Repeat until happy.
Life is a series of paths, diversions, dead ends, retreads, locked doors and stunning vistas. But the journey is what matters. The lessons you take with you on the way.
People come and go. They're not always good people. Sometimes they are and they leave anyway because that's where their path leads them. But stay true to yours and I truly believe it'll take you where you're going.
In the words of my old man, you just have to "keep on keepin' on". One day we'll all find it.
Until then, don't stop looking. Find the small things, and use them to build something monolithic. Something unbreakable. That's where happiness lies.
In summary, I realise this isn't the most upbeat of messages. But these things are so often brushed under the carpet that it scares me how little people feel they can discuss it. So this is an open message to anybody reading this.
If you're struggling, lost, or just need to talk through something you don't understand, I'm here, and I would welcome the friends. Because that's all life really is. It's not you.
It's the people around you. Those are what you live for.
I'll see you next time I have a long-winded, pointless rant to write. Until then, stay in touch, and keep looking for the light.
Where ever it might be.
