The past that shaped you? The present that now defines you?
Or the future that will continue to change you?
That aside, it’s an interesting time to be me. I realise
that means nothing when you’re not me,
but take my word for it.
As if to signify a healthy step forward in my general
well-being, I find myself learning again; both actively and passively. More and
more, I’m learning the difference between knowing something and understanding something.
I’m casually learning a new language (Italian), and
less-casually learning an old one (English).
I’m planning again. I’m looking ahead more than I’m looking behind.
Perhaps most importantly, when I do look to the past, it doesn’t hurt quite like it used to. It doesn’t
really hurt at all, now that I actually sit and think about it. It’s more akin
to looking at an old photograph and being reminded of somebody I’d long
forgotten about. They’re nice snapshots of life to be reminded of now and then, and once
I let go of the negativity that surrounded a lot of them, they just started to
become little foot-notes in the history of being me.
 |
| One of the many pleasant memories Facebook has reminded me of. |
I’m guess I’m noticing this mostly because Facebook has a
habit of reminding me of “memories” from years past. It raises the question
though; can something be considered a memory if the only reason I remember it
at all is because Facebook tells me about it?
Regardless of the answer, things are pretty good lately. I’m
generally quite happy in my own company, and barring the occasional stumble I
find that I’ve begun to move on from many of the things that have been gnawing
away at me over the past few months and years.
I think it’s because the future is looking brighter and more
defined than it has done in a very long time. I’m building something for myself
that I wouldn’t have thought even remotely possible six months ago.
To put it simply: life has potential again.
More than anything, I’ve noticed that my priorities have
shifted in a big way over the past year. Being alone is what I need right now.
It’s allowing me both the time and the space to focus on myself without the added
pressure of trying to live up to somebody else’s idea of who I should be.
With that said, the prospect of eventually finding somebody special
is actually appealing again. It also scares the shit out of me, but I think
that’s because I finally feel ready to have the next great love of my life be
the last. Once I’ve put all the puzzle-pieces in the right places, I’m excited
to look at this big picture with somebody I love.
Since the past is on my mind though, there are a lot of
conversations that I wish I could have. Some are with younger versions of
myself; I’d like to able to prepare him for the multitude of difficult times that
will inevitably head his way.
Many more of these conversations are with my old man; the
older I get, the more I find I have in common with who he was, for better or
worse. I’d like the chance to talk to him one last time and ask him “why” and
“how” a lot of things are the way they are. I’d love to know his thoughts on
the man I’ve turned into.
The remainder of these hypothetical conversations take place
with people who used to be important to me. Old friends to whom I don’t speak any
more. Old loves. People that were once both, and now are neither.
I often think about what it would be like to sit down with
people that had a large part in shaping the person I am, just to find out how
much they’ve changed in the years we’ve spent growing up and apart.
In my limited experience, these conversations are best left
to the imagination rather than having them actually take place. If watching The
Lion King over a thousand times has taught me anything, it’s that the past is
best left where it is.
With the best will in the world, there is a good reason you
drifted away from each other. You’re no longer compatible.
You each belong to a new puzzle. Your own personal “big picture”.
So, as I look to the future and make peace with the past, I
suppose it’s time to embrace the present and keep on keeping on.
Have a nice day, folks.
