Taking Your Time

I’ve been thinking a lot about time recently, and the way in which it presents itself.

Watches, clocks, phones, alarms and even the sun itself would have you believe that time flows consistently. Ironically, it’s all relative. I’m not talking Einstein here; nor am I about to start an article on gravitational time dilation, but it is relative. It’s subjective to a certain degree.

Time ebbs and flows. It flies when you’re having fun, and slows to a crawl when you’re in the midst of a battle you’d sooner not be fighting.

We’re in March already; a month which holds a few significant dates for me. Amongst other things, tomorrow will be 2 years since I travelled for the first time. As if to prove my point, the six weeks I spent travelling through Europe felt as though they lasted a lifetime. The experience changed me. It changed a lot; not least my relationship at the time. I came back from my travels with a view of the world I didn’t have before. Everyday things became a little more mundane and pointless when compared to the journey I had just been on.

See, we use time as a benchmark for the experiences and events in life which change us. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Holidays. Dates we lost loved ones. Dates we found new loved ones. Time is so much more than a calendar year. It’s so much more than a life time. It’s the one thing humans will all invariably fall victim to. It takes time for us to come into this world, time to learn how to live in it, and time for us to eventually leave it for those whose own time has just begun.

2017 dragged as though I was pulling a truck behind me. 2018 is flying like it was born with wings. I’m not sure which scares me more.

I’ve always felt as though time is the most valuable commodity we have. You can’t buy more of it. You can’t get it back, and you can’t return it in exchange for “better time”. I’ve spent so long trying to find a way to make the most of mine that I’ve probably wasted far too much of it worrying in the first place.

Time is the one thing that is always on my mind. It’s a source of anxiety that I fail to battle against in every instance. I constantly wonder if there’s something I could be doing that’s more worthwhile. Maybe that’s why travelling is such a beautiful idea to me; it’s time spent viewing the world I’ll one day leave, so I want to see as much of it as I possibly can. Meet as many people as time will allow and see how I look back at my time just as it begins to run out.

As a result of my constant obsession with time, I can remember almost every single date of significance I’ve ever known. The date my relationships began. The date they ended. First kisses. First “I love you”s. Last “I love you”s. Dates of great joy, and overwhelming sadness.

I’ve often pondered what I would do were I granted the ability to manipulate time. I was once certain that if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn’t. I felt this way because I was more or less happy with who time had turned me into.

More and more, I’m unsure that that’s the case. Maybe I’d go back and stop myself from saying or doing something. Maybe I’d go back and say or do something I should have.

The irony is, and as if to further prove my point, I’ve just spent the past 20 minutes writing about time and now I’m wondering how much it was worth. I think in this instance, it needed to happen. I needed to vent.

Today is Mother’s day. I know two dear friends who, due to time, didn’t have the opportunity to spend today with the one person that brought them into this world and granted them every single second they’ve ever had.

If you’re both reading this, you hopefully know who you are; I’d like to take this time to thank you both for being such good friends to me. I hope you were able to spend today looking back fondly on the time you had with your Mums. Wherever they are, I’m hopeful that they’re doing the same.

At this point, you may be wondering what the point of my words have been. I know I am.

I guess I’m saying “make the most of it, if you can”. It’s not always, if ever, that easy, but try. Time is a gift, so I’m sorry if you feel as though you wasted some of that gift reading this.

I’ll end by saying this. To those of you I once cherished, alive or dead, who are no longer in my life; I miss you. I hope the time you spent with me made you a happier person.

And to those of you I have in my life that I cherish, thank you for making my time worth spending on you. It’s a gift I am endlessly happy to share with you. I’ll be grateful for that time until mine runs out.

Love to you all.

E.

Thank You

For better or worse, I spend a large portion of my life lost inside my own head. Thoughts can creep in like spiders and nest there for days or weeks at a time. Such is the nature of a man who overthinks everything to the nth degree.

Self-doubt is an obstacle that I often struggle to overcome. I frequently liken my life to a game of chess. I strive to be 10 moves ahead as a means of limiting the number of surprises that head my way. This naturally means I have trouble living in the moment and embracing the "now".

There are benefits to this, in so far as I can generally figure out when I might wind up in check, but I'm reminded constantly that chess isn't really my game. It's a game to which I know the rules, but by no means am I necessarily any good at.

It's as hard to see victories coming as it is to see losses, and just as hard to know the difference sometimes. Were it not for the opposing colours and the pieces left on the board, I'm not sure I would ever truly know.

I head back to work on Monday after 5 weeks away. It's certainly been a reflective 5 weeks and I'd like to think a large portion of the issues that prompted the initial breakdown have subsided. Within a month or so I should hopefully be able to finally put the events of Germany to rest and move on from it. As for everything else, I feel I've made steps to move past the majority.

We all encounter obstacles, and realising you need help or time away is key to recovery. In the last 8 months I've been depressed, lost a love, been drugged, robbed, borderline-kidnapped, considered ending it, and come through the other side for the most part. I couldn't have done this without the help of my closest friends. So I suppose it's time again to thank those who have stuck by me.

To my family, I thank you for being the most supportive, loving, close-knit and bonkers family I could have asked for. I am immeasurably proud of you all, and I'm constantly in awe of what each of you are capable of.

To Jake, I thank you for being there everyday and being a solid enough friend to put up with each other's bullshit.

To Matt, I thank you for being the least judgemental, most honest and loyal man I know and keeping my head on straight in spite of your own issues.

To Hel, Jamie, Will T, Annie, and Ned, I thank you for providing an escape and a true representation of friendship.

To Jack and Will C, I thank you for being the truest of friends and never allowing me to stray down a path I'd struggle to return from.

To Amy, I thank you for showing me normality and contentment by simply being there and being your wonderful self.

To George and Louise Cheesbrough, I thank you for providing me with the happiest day I've had this year, and I wish you all the happiness there is to find in this world. It means an indescribable amount to me to know how frequently you've kept an eye on me despite how busy you've both been.

To Smethy, Swales, Lister, Franny, Arblaster, Shreevo, Mark, Big Cheese and King, I thank you for being so welcoming of a stranger and becoming friends I hope will be around for a long time.

To Dan Prescott, I thank you for being the man I've counted on for the last 6 months to keep me sane in work; you'll be missed but I couldn't be happier to see you making the dream come true.

To Geraint, I thank you for being a friend even in absence, and promise to see you soon.

You've all kept me on track in one way or another and it's my sincere privilege to know each and every one of you.

All the dramatics aside, I feel it's important to let those who've helped know that they have; especially when they've done so to such a degree.

The rest of my year is entirely without direction and for the first time in a long time, I think I'm okay with that. Life may be good again, that remains to be seen. What doesn't is the knowledge that I'm surrounded by the finest people I could ask for.

I won't forget that. To all of you, I look forward to the next adventure.

Thanks again folks; I'll see you soon.