Entanglement

As I look towards the future and the plans I've set in place for myself, I can't help but reflect upon the past and the steps I've taken to get here.

Purposelessness has been a feeling that has at times enveloped me entirely, and to finally have set a goal that could potentially set me up for life is a terrifying and gleeful concept.

The glee lies in the unknown and the potential for success, and the terror naturally lies also in the unknown, as well as the potential for failure. But fear of failure should never get in the way of the pursuit of happiness and betterment. Knowing that and putting it into practice however are two entirely separate things.

Over the past few days, I've found that there's only so happy you can be about success or the potential for it without people to share it with. Naturally as a result of my internal issues I'm often at the mercy of over-thinking and seeing a half-empty glass, but I truly believe life is enriched by having somebody you can share the wins in life with who will tell you that they love you and that they're proud of you.

Currently this positive reinforcement is provided in spades by my family and friends, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that having one person with whom you share something unique, sacred and intimate would make the wins that much sweeter.

I find myself missing people I shouldn't; people that are long gone and would usually hold no weight in the scales of my mind. I miss people that don't even exist; a feeling brought about by dreams of idealised versions of love and happiness. I even miss older versions of myself. Happier, more optimistic versions that believed they could conquer anything.

The delicate flame of life is easily extinguished without hope, and equally fuelled by love and its many beautiful gifts. External loneliness isn't something I'm used to feeling; I'm a fiercely independent person. With that said, it'd be nice to call somebody I love and say "I accomplished this today." and have them tell me they're proud, and unsurprised because their love for me makes them believe I can do anything. They become the embodiment of that past "you". They believe you're invincible and endlessly capable, and they keep you on that path.

Love and loyalty are complicated. They can burn, they can leave you cold and they can make you more than you ever thought yourself capable of being.

Is it any wonder we're biologically wired to seek this out? It's a drug. Just one that's perhaps best used in moderation.

Thank You

For better or worse, I spend a large portion of my life lost inside my own head. Thoughts can creep in like spiders and nest there for days or weeks at a time. Such is the nature of a man who overthinks everything to the nth degree.

Self-doubt is an obstacle that I often struggle to overcome. I frequently liken my life to a game of chess. I strive to be 10 moves ahead as a means of limiting the number of surprises that head my way. This naturally means I have trouble living in the moment and embracing the "now".

There are benefits to this, in so far as I can generally figure out when I might wind up in check, but I'm reminded constantly that chess isn't really my game. It's a game to which I know the rules, but by no means am I necessarily any good at.

It's as hard to see victories coming as it is to see losses, and just as hard to know the difference sometimes. Were it not for the opposing colours and the pieces left on the board, I'm not sure I would ever truly know.

I head back to work on Monday after 5 weeks away. It's certainly been a reflective 5 weeks and I'd like to think a large portion of the issues that prompted the initial breakdown have subsided. Within a month or so I should hopefully be able to finally put the events of Germany to rest and move on from it. As for everything else, I feel I've made steps to move past the majority.

We all encounter obstacles, and realising you need help or time away is key to recovery. In the last 8 months I've been depressed, lost a love, been drugged, robbed, borderline-kidnapped, considered ending it, and come through the other side for the most part. I couldn't have done this without the help of my closest friends. So I suppose it's time again to thank those who have stuck by me.

To my family, I thank you for being the most supportive, loving, close-knit and bonkers family I could have asked for. I am immeasurably proud of you all, and I'm constantly in awe of what each of you are capable of.

To Jake, I thank you for being there everyday and being a solid enough friend to put up with each other's bullshit.

To Matt, I thank you for being the least judgemental, most honest and loyal man I know and keeping my head on straight in spite of your own issues.

To Hel, Jamie, Will T, Annie, and Ned, I thank you for providing an escape and a true representation of friendship.

To Jack and Will C, I thank you for being the truest of friends and never allowing me to stray down a path I'd struggle to return from.

To Amy, I thank you for showing me normality and contentment by simply being there and being your wonderful self.

To George and Louise Cheesbrough, I thank you for providing me with the happiest day I've had this year, and I wish you all the happiness there is to find in this world. It means an indescribable amount to me to know how frequently you've kept an eye on me despite how busy you've both been.

To Smethy, Swales, Lister, Franny, Arblaster, Shreevo, Mark, Big Cheese and King, I thank you for being so welcoming of a stranger and becoming friends I hope will be around for a long time.

To Dan Prescott, I thank you for being the man I've counted on for the last 6 months to keep me sane in work; you'll be missed but I couldn't be happier to see you making the dream come true.

To Geraint, I thank you for being a friend even in absence, and promise to see you soon.

You've all kept me on track in one way or another and it's my sincere privilege to know each and every one of you.

All the dramatics aside, I feel it's important to let those who've helped know that they have; especially when they've done so to such a degree.

The rest of my year is entirely without direction and for the first time in a long time, I think I'm okay with that. Life may be good again, that remains to be seen. What doesn't is the knowledge that I'm surrounded by the finest people I could ask for.

I won't forget that. To all of you, I look forward to the next adventure.

Thanks again folks; I'll see you soon.

Stardust

If life has taught me anything this year, it's that it can throw some devastating curveballs.

Many of them can knock you straight on your back, but if you're vigilant and lucky, you can, on occasion, smash these curveballs out of the park.

From the depths of despair you can arise enraptured by something as simple as a kiss, or the smile of a beautiful girl. These glancing blows of fate are the violent and melodic songs written by the universe itself.

If asked, could you accurately count the moments in which life has, for better or worse, taken your breath away? Most days go by without any degree of significance or occasion, and are lost to the chaos of time.

There's tragedy in the idea that the majority of our lives will go unremembered by the very people that lived them. This is the nature of the universal rhapsody. An unpredictable, often unremarkable series of expressions that are punctuated by instances of great elation, or deep depression.

Without these peaks and troughs however, life would lose its purpose; the lesson to be found from simply living. There is no profundity to be gleaned from beauty if there is no mundanity in the ugly. There must be two sides to the coin, or the coin is entirely without character and value.

Deep-seated sadness is a painful thing to endure for even the shortest amount of time, but it is also necessary in order to truly appreciate and envelope oneself in the absolute release of joy.

Life is neither one thing, nor the other. It is everything at once. It is love and loss, pain and relief, wonder and horror. But in times of great strength, we may find ourselves granted a glimpse of the celestial, and in doing so, we can see the infinite possibilities to be found amongst the stars.

We are after all simply stardust made sentient.

I wonder what the universe will conspire to sing next?