Entanglement

As I look towards the future and the plans I've set in place for myself, I can't help but reflect upon the past and the steps I've taken to get here.

Purposelessness has been a feeling that has at times enveloped me entirely, and to finally have set a goal that could potentially set me up for life is a terrifying and gleeful concept.

The glee lies in the unknown and the potential for success, and the terror naturally lies also in the unknown, as well as the potential for failure. But fear of failure should never get in the way of the pursuit of happiness and betterment. Knowing that and putting it into practice however are two entirely separate things.

Over the past few days, I've found that there's only so happy you can be about success or the potential for it without people to share it with. Naturally as a result of my internal issues I'm often at the mercy of over-thinking and seeing a half-empty glass, but I truly believe life is enriched by having somebody you can share the wins in life with who will tell you that they love you and that they're proud of you.

Currently this positive reinforcement is provided in spades by my family and friends, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that having one person with whom you share something unique, sacred and intimate would make the wins that much sweeter.

I find myself missing people I shouldn't; people that are long gone and would usually hold no weight in the scales of my mind. I miss people that don't even exist; a feeling brought about by dreams of idealised versions of love and happiness. I even miss older versions of myself. Happier, more optimistic versions that believed they could conquer anything.

The delicate flame of life is easily extinguished without hope, and equally fuelled by love and its many beautiful gifts. External loneliness isn't something I'm used to feeling; I'm a fiercely independent person. With that said, it'd be nice to call somebody I love and say "I accomplished this today." and have them tell me they're proud, and unsurprised because their love for me makes them believe I can do anything. They become the embodiment of that past "you". They believe you're invincible and endlessly capable, and they keep you on that path.

Love and loyalty are complicated. They can burn, they can leave you cold and they can make you more than you ever thought yourself capable of being.

Is it any wonder we're biologically wired to seek this out? It's a drug. Just one that's perhaps best used in moderation.