The Typewriter

Imagine you live your life within a single room for one year. You're fed, watered, and you have access to all the human needs required to survive.

Aside from the basic amenities, this room has a only one thing in it: a typewriter.

You're told that you have to write a story; the most interesting, fascinating story you can conceive of. You're told that it has to be based in reality, obey the laws of physics and adhere to the basic principles of maths and science, but beyond that you can write anything you want.

Lastly, you're told that the story you write will be the way your life plays out when you're finally released from this room.

How many of you would write about office jobs, debts and the room that you're in? 

How many of you would contain your story to the mundanities of life and the environment that you're surrounded by?

I'm willing to bet that not a single one of you would write even one sentence about it. You'd write about love, travelling, self-expression, adventure, triumph and heroism.

You'd write about everything you'd ever dreamt. Everything you always wished you could do.

It dawned on me today that most of us are trapped in that room without even realising it. We're blindly writing a story we have no interest in telling, and even less interest in reading.

That room is your life. You're halfway through a story that is boring you senseless, and you don't even realise that you're the one writing it.

Now suppose somebody walks up to you and tells you that the typewriter is your way out.

What would you write next?

I've decided that I don't want my story to consist of the same chapter over and over again.

I know that I can write a better story. We all can. 

So why don't we?

Explore the world and set your adventure somewhere else. Meet people and introduce new characters. Challenge yourself and develop the protagonist. Write yourself a book wherein you live a life where you dared to try at something and fail. Write yourself a book where you dared to try again, and succeeded.

This is your life. This is your story.

Make it worth the read.

The Importance of Rules

"Have a nice day."

These are the parting words with which I leave each stranger I meet. I'm not entirely sure when I adopted this habit but it's become something that's very important to me.

In the midst of a world wherein we spend our lives with our eyes down and headphones in, I like the idea that four simple words and a smile can have an impact on somebody's day. Maybe they do, perhaps they don't.

What's important isn't necessarily whether or not they actually do; it's the idea that they can. Never underestimate the impact that even the smallest act of kindness can have.

As I've mentioned before, I try to live my life by a select set of personal rules. When I last wrote of these I was up to 13. Since then, I've written two more, and will likely continue to extend this list as life teaches me more and more. Since I've very little else to do at 8.30am on this sunny autumn Friday, I figured I'd let you all in on them and provide some context as to why these are so important to me.

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1. Your word is your bond. When you give it, you honour it.

This one is arguably the most important lesson my old man ever taught me. For all his faults, of which he possessed many, the belief that your "word" is an indication of your character was of paramount importance to him. As such, should you ever hear me give you "my word", it should be taken as a promise that I'll do everything I can to see it through.

2. If you make a mistake, do everything in your power to rectify it.

This is fairly self-explanatory, but important nonetheless. During my younger years I found it all too easy to allow my ego to get in the way and deny responsibility for my mistakes. In doing so, I would disallow myself the opportunity to grow. Mistakes are the seeds of success, and knowing when you've something to atone for may ensure that you never make that mistake again.

3. Be it favour or finance, always repay a debt.

Whilst these rules aren't written in any order of importance, this one is perhaps the one I think of most. It speaks to the importance of making sure that an act of kindness never goes unnoticed. Simple acts of kindness have saved my life on occasion, and so I try to ensure that these debts are paid in full when such an act can help another.

4. Apologise when you're wrong. Embrace it. Learn from it.

Pride can be a jagged pill to swallow. Apologies don't always come easy, but this goes back to rule #2. An apology can rebuild a bridge previously burnt. It can also relieve the heavy burden of guilt from your shoulders and allow self-reflection and growth.

5. First impressions matter. Always shake hands.

Another lesson from my old man. A first impression can make or break any type of relationship. Begin it with a handshake and you've made your first connection.

6. Be honest. If you can't be honest, be kind. Where possible, be both.

Honesty and kindness don't always go hand in hand. Sometimes a white lie is kinder, and sometimes honesty is necessary. If you can walk the line between employing both, I believe it demonstrates an individual's ability to be trusted.

7. Stand up for yourself, and stand up for others.

I was bullied heavily as a child. My mum has on multiple occasions been beaten and abused. Moreover, in today's society it's all to easy to see an injustice and ignore it for the sake of self-preservation. I decided on this rule when I remembered all the times I wish somebody had stood up for me, or for Mum. I also decided upon it because of the times people did. It's not until your back is against the wall that you realise just how much it means to have somebody at your side.

8. If you have somewhere to be, be there on time.

A rule that I decided upon during a relationship in which my partner at the time was consistently 2-3 hours late to everything we did. Lateness is one of the few things that frustrates me above all else. Seemed only right that I make it a rule.

9. Loyalty is the most important trait a person can have.

This one speaks for itself. It's more important to have one friend you trust with your life than to have ten friends you don't trust with anything. Loyalty speaks volumes about a person, and it means more to me than any other quality a person possesses.

10. Always have something to aim for.

Over the course of the last few years, my mental health has declined significantly. It's been hard to focus on anything, and when you're adrift it's all too easy to stay that way. If you aim for something and miss, be proud you took the shot. Be even prouder if the shot lands.

11. Have your own opinions, but don't allow them to negate the opinions of others.

Not always an easy one to follow, because I'm a reasonably outspoken and opinionated person. It's because of that that this rule needed including. It's a reminder that I'm not always right, and often wrong. More to the point, you can learn so much from listening to somebody you disagree with. It can change your entire view of the world if you're open-minded enough.

12. Family is the most important thing you have. Family doesn't always mean blood, but it does mean you shed your blood for them should you need to.

The most important lesson Mum has ever taught me. A reminder that family doesn't end with blood. Friends are the family you get to choose, and you should choose them with care.

13. Think before you speak.

Not something I'm always able to do, but certainly something I've attempted more and more as time has gone by. This rule was a by-product of my tendency to talk before I listened during my youth, and I'd like to think it's saved me from a few confrontations over the years.

14. It doesn't matter what you're doing; do your best, and do it right.

My work ethic was piss-poor before Dad died. I'm not really sure why this changed when he passed, but it did. I don't think there's any such thing as a job you're "too good for", nor do I believe there's any excuse for doing something you consider an "easy" job badly.

15. Don't just talk about it. Be about it.

All the rules in the world won't mean anything if you don't follow them. It's well and good talking about what type of person you are, but actions often speak louder than words.

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So there we have it. A long-winded, almost certainly overly-preachy insight into who I aspire to be. Congratulations if you made it to the end.

Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is this; knowing your faults and fixing your faults are two different things, but generally, I've found it all starts with a simple act of kindness.

So with that said, have a nice day.

Mum

Imagine all the people in the world that have ever existed. The dreams they had. The lives they lived. The lives they changed or saved.

Who springs to mind? When does the word "hero" become the absolute definition of who that person was?

I have only one answer. I always will.

Mandy Bennett.

My best friend. My hero. A Mum and Dad to three troubled children who grew up knowing they were safe and loved immensely, despite all the turbulence and conflict surrounding them.

You are the woman I celebrate today, on your birthday, but also the woman I celebrate everyday. You are without question the most profoundly important and influential person in my life. You are my confidant. You are my home. You are the person I admire most in the entire world.

You have never invented anything. You've never cured a disease. But you have in every conceivable way, changed the world. My world.

So today, as I celebrate the birth of my kind-hearted, sweet, funny and beautiful best friend, I want to take some time to remember my favourite memories of our time together so far.

Treasure hunting for the man in red all night on a cold Christmas night.

Picking me up into your arms as I was 4 years old to dance around the living room to Jagged Little Pill.

Putting a candle in a chip for my birthday.

Welcoming me home from Uni with balloons and banners.

Never failing to tell me how proud you are of me.

Raising two brothers that I love and respect dearly.

Crying with me when I need you.

Laughing with me when I need you.

Shopping trips around Tesco where I wind you up about buying condoms and lube. (To clarify, she wasn't; I just wanted to embarrass her in front of the shop assistant.)

Driving around singing "Impossible" with my head swinging out of the car on Christmas eve.

Every birthday and Christmas we have ever had.

The trips to the zoo to see my real mum in the monkey cages.

Saving three children from a life of violence with no thought to what you were potentially giving up.

Being somebody I trust with anything.

Buying me 32 mini wrestler figures one Christmas and not shouting when I peeked under the wrapping.

Buying me a Gameboy Color for Christmas and not shouting when I peeked under the wrapping.

Every single minute I've ever spent with you.

Never allowing me to doubt myself.

Buying me a stone that gets rid of anxiety through positive energy even though you know I don't believe in that stuff. That matters because it's from you, and you get rid of my anxiety.

Our trip to a bike rally where I tried to convince you I was gay and you cared so little I was genuinely gutted at the lack of response.

You doing flying kicks outside of Sainsbury's, despite pretending your legs hurt.

Your love for animals and children.

Getting me into Dylan and Aerosmith, Eagles and Elton John.

Not killing me when I told you I went to an Eagles concert without you.

Not killing me when I admitted the mistakes I had made at my lowest.

Buying me a superhero dressing gown.

Buying me monster slippers.

Never letting me go hungry.

I could literally sit for hours and list everything I remember about our lives together in the hope that you'd realise what an incredible mum you are, but you're too humble to believe it anyway.

You have saved my life countless times. You have lifted me up, held me, loved me and raised me. For all these things and an infinite amount more, I thank you from the deepest recesses of my being.

You are amazing. It doesn't matter what I do with my life going forward; being your son will always be my proudest achievement.

I love you more than you will ever understand, and I can only hope that one day you see why.

You're my Mum. You're my Dad. You're a million things that amount to who I am today, and I could never repay the debt of gratitude for everything you've done.

Happy Birthday Mum. I love you so, so much. Be proud today. See yourself as I do for just one day and remember how indescribably incredible you truly are.

Also, bear in mind your birthday card will be a lot shorter than this.

I love you, Ma.

From Ethan/Tyson/Ethel.

Entanglement

As I look towards the future and the plans I've set in place for myself, I can't help but reflect upon the past and the steps I've taken to get here.

Purposelessness has been a feeling that has at times enveloped me entirely, and to finally have set a goal that could potentially set me up for life is a terrifying and gleeful concept.

The glee lies in the unknown and the potential for success, and the terror naturally lies also in the unknown, as well as the potential for failure. But fear of failure should never get in the way of the pursuit of happiness and betterment. Knowing that and putting it into practice however are two entirely separate things.

Over the past few days, I've found that there's only so happy you can be about success or the potential for it without people to share it with. Naturally as a result of my internal issues I'm often at the mercy of over-thinking and seeing a half-empty glass, but I truly believe life is enriched by having somebody you can share the wins in life with who will tell you that they love you and that they're proud of you.

Currently this positive reinforcement is provided in spades by my family and friends, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that having one person with whom you share something unique, sacred and intimate would make the wins that much sweeter.

I find myself missing people I shouldn't; people that are long gone and would usually hold no weight in the scales of my mind. I miss people that don't even exist; a feeling brought about by dreams of idealised versions of love and happiness. I even miss older versions of myself. Happier, more optimistic versions that believed they could conquer anything.

The delicate flame of life is easily extinguished without hope, and equally fuelled by love and its many beautiful gifts. External loneliness isn't something I'm used to feeling; I'm a fiercely independent person. With that said, it'd be nice to call somebody I love and say "I accomplished this today." and have them tell me they're proud, and unsurprised because their love for me makes them believe I can do anything. They become the embodiment of that past "you". They believe you're invincible and endlessly capable, and they keep you on that path.

Love and loyalty are complicated. They can burn, they can leave you cold and they can make you more than you ever thought yourself capable of being.

Is it any wonder we're biologically wired to seek this out? It's a drug. Just one that's perhaps best used in moderation.

Thank You

For better or worse, I spend a large portion of my life lost inside my own head. Thoughts can creep in like spiders and nest there for days or weeks at a time. Such is the nature of a man who overthinks everything to the nth degree.

Self-doubt is an obstacle that I often struggle to overcome. I frequently liken my life to a game of chess. I strive to be 10 moves ahead as a means of limiting the number of surprises that head my way. This naturally means I have trouble living in the moment and embracing the "now".

There are benefits to this, in so far as I can generally figure out when I might wind up in check, but I'm reminded constantly that chess isn't really my game. It's a game to which I know the rules, but by no means am I necessarily any good at.

It's as hard to see victories coming as it is to see losses, and just as hard to know the difference sometimes. Were it not for the opposing colours and the pieces left on the board, I'm not sure I would ever truly know.

I head back to work on Monday after 5 weeks away. It's certainly been a reflective 5 weeks and I'd like to think a large portion of the issues that prompted the initial breakdown have subsided. Within a month or so I should hopefully be able to finally put the events of Germany to rest and move on from it. As for everything else, I feel I've made steps to move past the majority.

We all encounter obstacles, and realising you need help or time away is key to recovery. In the last 8 months I've been depressed, lost a love, been drugged, robbed, borderline-kidnapped, considered ending it, and come through the other side for the most part. I couldn't have done this without the help of my closest friends. So I suppose it's time again to thank those who have stuck by me.

To my family, I thank you for being the most supportive, loving, close-knit and bonkers family I could have asked for. I am immeasurably proud of you all, and I'm constantly in awe of what each of you are capable of.

To Jake, I thank you for being there everyday and being a solid enough friend to put up with each other's bullshit.

To Matt, I thank you for being the least judgemental, most honest and loyal man I know and keeping my head on straight in spite of your own issues.

To Hel, Jamie, Will T, Annie, and Ned, I thank you for providing an escape and a true representation of friendship.

To Jack and Will C, I thank you for being the truest of friends and never allowing me to stray down a path I'd struggle to return from.

To Amy, I thank you for showing me normality and contentment by simply being there and being your wonderful self.

To George and Louise Cheesbrough, I thank you for providing me with the happiest day I've had this year, and I wish you all the happiness there is to find in this world. It means an indescribable amount to me to know how frequently you've kept an eye on me despite how busy you've both been.

To Smethy, Swales, Lister, Franny, Arblaster, Shreevo, Mark, Big Cheese and King, I thank you for being so welcoming of a stranger and becoming friends I hope will be around for a long time.

To Dan Prescott, I thank you for being the man I've counted on for the last 6 months to keep me sane in work; you'll be missed but I couldn't be happier to see you making the dream come true.

To Geraint, I thank you for being a friend even in absence, and promise to see you soon.

You've all kept me on track in one way or another and it's my sincere privilege to know each and every one of you.

All the dramatics aside, I feel it's important to let those who've helped know that they have; especially when they've done so to such a degree.

The rest of my year is entirely without direction and for the first time in a long time, I think I'm okay with that. Life may be good again, that remains to be seen. What doesn't is the knowledge that I'm surrounded by the finest people I could ask for.

I won't forget that. To all of you, I look forward to the next adventure.

Thanks again folks; I'll see you soon.

Stardust

If life has taught me anything this year, it's that it can throw some devastating curveballs.

Many of them can knock you straight on your back, but if you're vigilant and lucky, you can, on occasion, smash these curveballs out of the park.

From the depths of despair you can arise enraptured by something as simple as a kiss, or the smile of a beautiful girl. These glancing blows of fate are the violent and melodic songs written by the universe itself.

If asked, could you accurately count the moments in which life has, for better or worse, taken your breath away? Most days go by without any degree of significance or occasion, and are lost to the chaos of time.

There's tragedy in the idea that the majority of our lives will go unremembered by the very people that lived them. This is the nature of the universal rhapsody. An unpredictable, often unremarkable series of expressions that are punctuated by instances of great elation, or deep depression.

Without these peaks and troughs however, life would lose its purpose; the lesson to be found from simply living. There is no profundity to be gleaned from beauty if there is no mundanity in the ugly. There must be two sides to the coin, or the coin is entirely without character and value.

Deep-seated sadness is a painful thing to endure for even the shortest amount of time, but it is also necessary in order to truly appreciate and envelope oneself in the absolute release of joy.

Life is neither one thing, nor the other. It is everything at once. It is love and loss, pain and relief, wonder and horror. But in times of great strength, we may find ourselves granted a glimpse of the celestial, and in doing so, we can see the infinite possibilities to be found amongst the stars.

We are after all simply stardust made sentient.

I wonder what the universe will conspire to sing next?

Lights & Crossroads.

Lately I find myself at something of a crossroads. I'll come back to this crossroads later, but I'll begin by saying without question that the year so far has been the most difficult year of my life. Given what I've seen and done in my near 27 years, that's a scary and sobering thought.

For a great deal of time I came to believe that I had rid myself of the demons I'd come to know all too well, but the events of the past few months have taught me that they never truly go away. They hide, they retreat and if you're lucky you're granted a brief respite from the darkness these demons can bring. I guess you just have to hope that you can find the light again and reach it before the darkness becomes too much to bear.

As some of you know, I recently experienced what I feel to be the most traumatic and vulnerable event of my life thus far. Robbed of any control (and a few materialistic things that mean far less in the grand scheme) I found myself in a place I rarely allow myself to be. I found myself scared, numb and broken.

In many ways I'm still combating that fear, and the fears that permeate through the upswing of happiness that preceded them. I had allowed myself to believe that I was finally happy again. To have that so violently and suddenly stripped away is the most difficult thing I've ever had to reconcile.

Why then do I maintain some degree of optimism in the face of such a painful year? Because as I'm reminded by my friends, I've gone through so much by now that the only thing I can hold onto is the memory that with time, everything improves.

I don't write too much anymore. It bothers me that I've allowed something I was so passionate about at one point to be relegated to an old hobby. Because in all honesty, that's never what this was for me. It was catharsis. It was truth, and it was an acknowledgement on my part that shitty things and shitty people will always be a part of life.

Whilst it's often difficult to remember, the opposite is also true. I find myself for the most part surrounded by the dearest friends I could hope for, and a family that I would do anything to protect because that's my job. They are my whole life, and not all of my "family" are blood.

I've never, ever let my family see me cry. When my old man died, I held it in. When past loves were lost, I held it in.

What happened in Germany threw me in a way I cannot begin to express. I'm just lucky I had people around me who were willing to sit through and support my pain without question or judgement.

So I guess my optimism lies in those I love. The knowledge that I have people I would die for, and people that would die for me.

There's no debating what a rough place I'm in at the moment. I'm battling depression, anxiety, trauma, the remnants of a relationship that to this day confuses me, and the fear that things will never get better for me or those I hold so dearly.

But they will. They have to. They always do.

I apologise for what a heavy piece this has been, but in truth there is a huge amount I keep bottled up that I need to talk about. Maybe this is the place to do it; maybe it isn't. Honestly, I don't care.

To anybody suffering with anything, please get help. See family. See friends. See a doctor. See new horizons. Be adventurous, but with care. Be open to new things and new people, because it's amazing the effect these people can have.

My name is Ethan, and my head is a fucking mess. It's important that I acknowledge it because these things only ever seem to be whispered about. Depression and pain are tricky bastards to tackle, but they're also necessary evils. I've never met a single person who's gone through heartbreak, loneliness and depression and come out of it a less empathetic person.

These things make you stronger. They make you a better person. Hold on to that, and live for it. Because I honestly believe that you will be better for it in the long run. I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened to me. I wouldn't change things with my old man, my family, my friends or even past relationships that may not have been the wisest positions to be in. Because I'm who I am now because of them, and all the self-loathing, insecurity and doubt aside, I know I do my best.

I know they did too.

So back to the crossroads. Where do I go from here? I honestly don't know. I figure I stay on the path I'm on and hope that it leads me somewhere good. If not, I'll retreat and try another direction. Repeat until happy.

Life is a series of paths, diversions, dead ends, retreads, locked doors and stunning vistas. But the journey is what matters. The lessons you take with you on the way.

People come and go. They're not always good people. Sometimes they are and they leave anyway because that's where their path leads them. But stay true to yours and I truly believe it'll take you where you're going.

In the words of my old man, you just have to "keep on keepin' on". One day we'll all find it.

Until then, don't stop looking. Find the small things, and use them to build something monolithic. Something unbreakable. That's where happiness lies.

In summary, I realise this isn't the most upbeat of messages. But these things are so often brushed under the carpet that it scares me how little people feel they can discuss it. So this is an open message to anybody reading this.

If you're struggling, lost, or just need to talk through something you don't understand, I'm here, and I would welcome the friends. Because that's all life really is. It's not you.

It's the people around you. Those are what you live for.

I'll see you next time I have a long-winded, pointless rant to write. Until then, stay in touch, and keep looking for the light.

Where ever it might be.